首页>>outsider1015>>托福写作2010-02-07机经答案 by outsider1015

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历年试题 2010-02-07CN 独立写作

(outsider1015分享)

作者:outsider1015 保存时间:2016-09-01 人气:252
Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to achieve success, we must be more similar to others than be different from others.
托福考试时间:2010-02-07,2008-10-12,2015-09-12
所属分类: 个人成功
目前共有184位会员练习过本题.
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观点与论证:
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词汇语法:
观点与论证:
结构合理:
词汇语法:

结构需要调整

#1 发表于:2016-10-22 [回复]
比方第一句成功者的力量是无穷的,第二句说大学和社会都在教我们像成功者学习,第三句谚语没看懂。前三句都没有说到底学习成功者有什么好处。第五句开始才真正是有用的论述,感觉前四句可以删掉
#2 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]
On the (删掉the)one hand, it stands to reason that the power of successful models is infinite and has already exerted a significant impact on us. College education and society experience consciously or unconsciously tell us that we ought to learn from them for the sake of achievements. There is an old saying that “he that lies down with dogs must rise up with fleas”. If you keep company with someone who is ambitious and far-sighted every now and then, you’ll certainly be encouraged and determined to spare no efforts to succeed. A good beginning is half the battle, if you have no idea of what to do first before realizing your ambition, it is better to chase after someone. Via absorbing one’s essence and discarding one’s dross, you may avoid detours and shorten the time of trial and error, thus achieve more with less cost. Like the famous physicist Newton, he once said he saw further than others because he stood on the shoulder of giants. To conclude, following the steps of successful people is a good way to achieve success.从结论来看,这段是说明了跟随成功者对成功是有好处的,但是前面并没有提好处在哪里。
#3 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]
To:#leaflotus#: 嗯嗯~谢谢叶子^_^
#4 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]
Nowadays, the modern society attaches greater importance to pursuing success which means realizing self-fulfillment and making a contribution to the society through one’s own endeavor. (把成功很重要和成功的定义放在一个长句子里面,容易造成重点不突出,觉得一句话最好只表达一个观点,不然就要把两个观点的逻辑层次用连接词反映出来,另外从论述看成功的重要是一个客观存在,成功的定义是作者的主观定义,放在一起容易混淆)As a consequence, a large quantity of books and lectures on success written and reported by well-known philosophers and successful people flooded the whole world. There is no doubt that it gave rise to a heated discussion as to whether we must resemble or differ from others for the purpose of success. 这句之前主要叙述的是社会上客观存在的关于成功的现象,后面主要叙述的是别人的主观想法和作者的主观想法,把成功的定义放在后面比较好。Some people hold than (that)we must be similar to others to achieving success, 还应该提一下另一些人认为是相反的,然后再说你认为的观点。it (it指代不明,容易产生歧义,最好明确指出自己的观点)depends on situations which we are confronted with. 这句话没有很好的表达出具体问题具体分析的观点,建议换个模板句子。
#5 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]
分类觉得应该更明确一些,比方对于年轻人来说,跟随名人的步伐也许更容易成功,而对于有社会历练的成年人,有不同的特性可能更容易成功。你这里感觉分离不明确,你说有时候一致会成功,有时候不一致会成功,但是没有说怎样的情况一致好,怎样的情况不一致好
#6 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]

TO #leaflotus# :叶子妹妹会不会给我改的太简单了?其实我这次想尝试一下婉转的说法,我觉之前都是直白型的直接入题,想换一种方式,没想到反而不好了。。。阐述的不够清楚。

   其实我是想分类讨论的,你也看了我昨晚的想法,你有没有什么好的idea,我应该怎么分类讨论才能更好地阐明自己的观点呢?求指教~

#7 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]
观点与论证:
结构合理:
词汇语法:
1、主要的问题是主题句不突出不明确,需要看到段落结尾才知道讲的是什么
2、第二个问题没有说明什么情况下要和别人一致,什么情况要不一致。导致主题不明确。
3、语法词汇没什么问题
4、扩展部分由于主题不明确导致论述也有点模糊。
Nowadays, the modern society attaches greater importance to pursuing success which means realizing self-fulfillment and making a contribution to the society through one’s own endeavor. As a consequence, a large quantity of books and lectures on success written and reported by well-known philosophers and successful people flooded the whole world. There is no doubt that it gave rise to a heated discussion as to whether we must resemble or differ from others for the purpose of success. Some people hold than we must be similar to others to achieving success, it depends on situations which we are confronted with.(第一段没有提出自己的观点)

On the one hand, it stands to reason that the power of successful models is infinite and has already exerted a significant impact on us. (没有开头给出主题句)College education and society experience consciously or unconsciously tell us that we ought to learn from them for the sake of achievements. There is an old saying that “he that lies down with dogs must rise up with fleas”. If you keep company with someone who is ambitious and far-sighted every now and then, you’ll certainly be encouraged and determined to spare no efforts to succeed. A good beginning is half the battle, if you have no idea of what to do first before realizing your ambition, it is better to chase after someone. Via absorbing one’s essence and discarding one’s dross, you may avoid detours and shorten the time of trial and error, thus achieve more with less cost. Like the famous physicist Newton, he once said he saw further than others because he stood on the shoulder of giants. To conclude, following the steps of successful people is a good way to achieve success.主题句放最后了,领悟起来有点费劲

On the other hand, the criteria of success are not always the same. 还是没有在前面给主题句If everyone in a country is similar to each other, then the nation will stagnate and obtain little progress. The society now needs more comprehensive talents to meet the requirements of ever-increasing developing economy. Initiative and creative people stand out among those who keep imitating others blindly and gradually lose their own unique personalities and strengths. Just as the noted poet Li Bai said “All things in their being are good for something.” In order to distinguish yourself in a large crowd and be competitive to succeed, you’d better maintain your special characters and specialties. Take a job interview for example, five applicants all took a curriculum vitae with them to the interview. However, among the five people, four of them had the exactly same format of resume by referring to on-line templates. Only one of them deferred from others and made his own resume all by himself. Undoubtedly, the only one who is outstanding and prominent gain the best assessment and impression from the interviewers, thus successful acquire his ideal position. In conclusion, differentiating from others is sometimes beneficial for you to be successful.

From above, we can make the safe conclusion that every coin has two sides and nothing is absolutely judged. It is the same with achieving success, differing or resembling others rely on what kind of situation we are in.(总结里提到situation,文章里并没有按照不同的situation讨论。)
#8 发表于:2016-09-02 [回复]